MY MEMORIES
Saturday, September 02, 2006
I've witnessed the power of no-knowledge.
Grandma.
It started out with hospitalization. Then came the shocking truth-terminal stage of colon cancer. But these were kept away from her. She didnt know what exactly she was suffering from. What she knew was perhaps the complications that arose due to her diabetes and kidney problems. All that while, she thought she would be cured, and be discharged home. She thought she would be fine. She thought she would be going home after all the examinations, as per normal. She thought of cooking my all time favourite-buakualak when she gets home. She thought of seeing my cousins get married. She remained hopeful despite of all the complications. She remained strong. Everyone, including the doctors, was amazed by her will-power to live on especially when she had so much complication, where the suffering and pain were considered as unbearable to most patients.
All these while, she didnt complain about her pain. Day after day, she was waiting to be discharged. My aunt told her to eat, for that will give her strength. And she did. Little did we all know that she kept her bits of food stuffed in between the side of the mouth. The nurses were the ones who informed us about it when they found the yesterday's food during their washing-up of patients in the morning. Her throat was constantly in pain. The cancer cells spreaded. She pretended to eat so as to assure the rest of us that she is fine and waiting to go home. Everyone that came to visit her felt that she was clearly clinging on to something that kept her going. HOPE. That was it. The power of no knowledge during that one month stay in the hospital until one day when my aunt decided it was time to break the news to her because she was suffering really badly in silence. After which, she seemed to be in a daze, deep in thoughts. Perhaps she has decided to let go. Perhaps she felt it was time. She felt depressed. Drops of tears streamed down. She knew she had to leave. Perhaps she can't bring herself to part. Perhaps she wanted so badly to live on.
Then the day to go finally came. On Wednesday, her toes started turning bluish black. My grandpa visited her and before he left, she waved to him saying goodbye. In the afternoon, she tossed and turned as if none of the positions suited her. We ask her if she wanted to say anything. She said nothing. In the evening, she was getting really restless. At around 9pm where everyone was about to leave the hospital, her condition deteriorated. Everyone panicked as her blood pressure plunged down. There she was, gasping for breath, panting. The doctor was called in and by around 9.55pm, she left without bidding goodbye.
And so, the wake began on Thursday. We waited for grandma with our heads bowed down.
I told her I love her.
Junkies treasured @ 10:06:00 AM
....................................
